Deep Dive

The 7 Questions Your Partner Wishes You Would Ask

Why Most Couples Struggle to Talk About Intimacy

Let’s be honest—talking about intimacy isn’t always easy. Whether you’re opening up to your partner or bringing it up with your doctor, finding the right words can feel awkward or downright intimidating.

But here’s the thing: open and honest conversations are the foundation of strong relationships and good sexual health. If you want to connect (or reconnect) on a deeper level, communication has to come first.

Back when I was in medical school in the late ‘90s, I got my hands on a book called Sex is a 13-Letter Word, written by William and Carolyn Chernenkoff. 

These two—an incredible husband-and-wife team working in rural Canada—taught me an important lesson: communication is everything.

They believed talking about intimacy should be as natural as talking about sleep, exercise, or nutrition. And they were right. If we can normalize conversations about sex and relationships, we can remove so much of the unnecessary stress, shame, and discomfort that often come with them. They were so ahead of their time.

So, if you’re looking to strengthen your relationship or just get better at discussing these topics, read on.

The Silent Crisis Affecting Thousands of Relationships

Have you ever had those moments where everything seems fine physically, but something still feels “off”? Maybe routine has taken over, and you’re stuck in autopilot mode. Maybe conversations aren’t happening the way they used to, or maybe you’re talking but not really hearing each other.

Here’s the good news—this happens to almost every couple at some point, and small shifts in communication can bring you back together.

One couple I worked with rekindled their connection with a simple question: “What do you miss most about when we first got together?” That single conversation opened the door to a deeper connection and better intimacy.

The truth is, relationships require communication. If you’re not talking about what you need, what excites you, or what’s holding you back, it’s easy to feel disconnected.

It takes two to tango—and if you’re not on the same page, it can feel like you’re stepping all over each other’s feet.

And hey, if you’re struggling to find the right words or keep hitting roadblocks, working with a mental health professional or a relationship coach can be a game-changer.

Sometimes having a neutral third party helps you see things in a new light.

So, whether you're ready to shake things up, deepen an already solid connection, or just hit reset, communication is the first step. Here are some icebreakers.

How to Feel Close Again Starting Tonight

Here are seven proven questions that can transform your relationship.

Each one is designed to open doors that might have been closed for years.

1. “What does intimacy mean to you?”

   Perfect moment to ask: During a quiet evening together, perhaps over a glass of wine

   Listen for: The difference between your definitions—you might be surprised how unique each person's view of intimacy can be

2. "When do you feel most connected to me?"

   Perfect moment to ask: After sharing a meal together

   Listen for: Small moments you might have overlooked—often it's the little things that matter most

3. "Is there anything you've been curious to explore together?"

   Perfect moment to ask: During a weekend morning when you're both relaxed

   Listen for: Not just physical desires, but emotional needs and shared experiences

4. "What makes you feel loved and desired?"

   Perfect moment to ask: During a walk or drive together

   Listen for: Specific actions or words that you can incorporate into your daily life

5. "How do you feel about our current level of intimacy?"

   Perfect moment to ask: When you have time for an unhurried conversation

   Listen for: Both satisfaction and gentle concerns—this isn't about criticism but understanding

6. "Are there ways we can create more intimate moments in our daily routine?"

   Perfect moment to ask: When planning your week together

   Listen for: Simple, practical suggestions that fit naturally into your lifestyle

7. "What makes you feel most supported and safe in our relationship?"

   Perfect moment to ask: During a quiet moment of connection

   Listen for: The foundation of trust that makes deeper intimacy possible

Getting The Help You Deserve From Your Doctor

Just like with your partner, the way you start a conversation with your doctor matters.

Here are seven proven ways to break the ice and get the answers you need:

1. "I'm experiencing changes in my sexual function, and I'd like to understand why."

   Perfect moment to ask: At the beginning of your appointment, right after initial greetings

   Listen for: Whether your doctor asks follow-up questions about timing, severity, and related symptoms

2. "Could there be medical reasons behind these changes?"

   Perfect moment to ask: After describing your symptoms

   Listen for: Discussion of both physical and psychological factors that might be involved

3. "What treatment options are available?"

   Perfect moment to ask: After your doctor has acknowledged your concerns

   Listen for: A range of options, from lifestyle changes to medical interventions, and their success rates

4. "Are there lifestyle changes that could help?"

   Perfect moment to ask: When discussing treatment options

   Listen for: Specific, actionable recommendations about diet, exercise, stress management, and sleep

5. “How do my current medications affect my sexual health?"

   Perfect moment to ask: While reviewing your current medication list

   Listen for: Both direct effects and potential interactions between medications

6. "What tests might help identify underlying issues?"

   Perfect moment to ask: After initial discussion of possible causes

   Listen for: Clear explanations of why each test is recommended and what it can tell you

7. "Can you recommend any additional resources or support?"

   Perfect moment to ask: At the end of your appointment

   Listen for: Specific referrals, support groups, or educational materials rather than general advice

Real Connection Begins With These Conversations

At the end of the day, intimacy isn’t just about physical connection—it’s about feeling seen, heard, and valued. And the only way to make that happen is by having open, honest conversations.

So whether you’re reconnecting with a partner, exploring new aspects of intimacy, or talking to your doctor about a concern, don’t shy away from these conversations. They’re the key to better relationships and better health.